Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
