how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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