they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
