I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
