You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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