I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
