I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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