Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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