He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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