Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
