i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
