I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
