I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
OPIZZABONMYDICK
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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