you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
