oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
