I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
