I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
