I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
