I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Vodka?
Forever.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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