i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
