You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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