i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Randomize
