i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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