when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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