I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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