it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
