It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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