Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
