Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
