Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
