Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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