How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
