are you still at the devil's house?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
