She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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