i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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