i can't believe i had my finger in that
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
