i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
