i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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