I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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