I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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