She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
