I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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