Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Dicks are not precious.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
