the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I am naked and annoyed.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
