Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
