I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you traded sex for a burrito?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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