my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
