she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
