You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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