I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
